i welcome you all. what follows is the continuance of my life and yours. i wish to say here that if you ever feel compelled to speak, write, AIM, or e-mail me, please feel no inhibition whatsoever to do so.

my initial intentions, as stated on august 17th, 2002, were to use this space to “write a little something about how i feel or what’s going on in my life.” well, the first post was a report of perhaps the most life-alterting “goings on” i could never have imagined. what was to transpire were the most “how i feel”-influenced-years of my life. that post (on august 23rd, if you’re unfamiliar) marked the beginning of an era in my life. it would begin with a (?) and end in a tear. the chemotherapy, the held hands, the funeral, the smiles: all of it was absolutely monumental.

now, i have something equally (yes, equally) monumental to share about my life. if you are at all interested or even inclined, please continue:

it was not a concious choice to cease posting on xanga. my life had not ended. i was not depressed. i did not feel any need or desire for seclusion of any sorts. all i wanted was an answer. i hope everyone who came in contact with me during the subsequent moments realized this. a handful of people knew without knowing it: they became the jewels of my memories. yes, god lives in us all.

certain people have sparkled so brightly at certain times that i know without hesitation that this is true. chances are, if you are reading this and are unsure if i am refering to you with these comments, i am. while there are degrees to which each person in my life helped to shape it, everyone did so with the utmost importance. i see now the inseverable chain of change that has lead me to this day, and you to yours; to this end, no one has carried an unequal amount of weight. my only hope is that the manifestations of my frustrations (as mishandled actions) did not cloud the truth of my intentions: i sought only an answer. the story as to how has two parts. this is the first:

——–

an answer to what question?, you might be wondering. i can’t tell you, because there is no one question. why me? why her? why death? why life? why tears? why bombs? why anger? why ignorance? why hatred? why september 11th? why iraq war? why suffering? why us?

skim over those questions a few times and “why” will start looking like “w-h-y”, no more than a conglomeration of symbols. the disorientation that comes with that feeling is the same sort of disorientation i felt after seriously asking and contemplating them all.

“why?” is certainly not foreign to you. it has plauged me, it has plagued you. many of us have learned through all of this plaguing mixed with salty water that: a cause-effect relationship is all “why?” can ever discover. but, oh how we are still plagued by the causes!, how they still drip salty with water! why did my mother die of cancer when i was only 17? i never mentioned it, i never specifically felt it, but my entire purpose burned with this question. and what a question it is! we travel through life, consumed by what seem to be endless causes. but this complete consumation of your thoughts is not solely your fault. don’t blame yourself for all of this paying-attention-to-the-causes business. blame rationality. (all you did was accept it, blindly, and unquestioning).

rationality posits that there must be a cause for every effect. in order to understand the effect, you must know the cause. this is the basis for all things we laud so highly: business, medicine, law, etc. truly, rationality is the conceptualization of the answer to every “why”, that is: rationality begs “show me your cause and effect!” some questions seem easy: why man with hole in heart? murderer! some questions seem not: why cancer? cure! but let me give you a big hint: answering “why” is impossible! in any circumstance! let me show you through a thought experiment. here is “why bombs?”, rephrased:

cause:           .
effect: bombs

as dreaded as you might be if you saw this on your philosophy final, rest assured that there is no one answer. in fact, there are an infinite amount of them. now, try this:

cause: bombs
effect:           .

this answer seems much more plasuible to us, doesn’t it? you could probably name off ten in under ten seconds (try it!). however, just like the last, there are an infinite number of correct fill-ins to the blank. the fallibility in both cases stem from two fundamental sources of error in rationality itself. a) confining causes to one and b) ignoring effects numbered infinite. there are alot of funny things that happen when we live in a world based like this. watch: “those who don’t learn their history are bound to repeat it.” re-read the two fill-in-the-blanks. which would be most likely found on your local history test?

[rationality is understanding what has
beauty is understanding what will
the antithesis of rationality is beauty]

watch: ever wonder how poetry works? why it can be so damn beautiful and so damn mind-boggling and so damn true, all at the same time?

[bombs birth a butterfly]

wow! beatiful thought wow! mind-boggling thought wow! true statement! wow!

when you chop up eternity into cause-effects, limiting them by immediacy, no, there is no human-slaying, town-destructing, warhead that will create monarchs. but when you realize that cause and effect are really one in the same thing, you see that bombs destruct a home, the charred frame turns to soil, the soil grows a tree, the tree grows leaves, the leaves feed the caterpillar, the caterpillar sucummbs to the cocoon, and the [bombs birth a butterfly]. poetry is beauty and rationality juxtaposed to an affect. in my opinion, it is the highest form of human communication (potentially). [perhaps someday we will confine our writings to just poems and see how beautiful and lovely a world we can create.]

the fact that there is a cause and there is an effect is really all that matters. causes create uncertainty about the future, effects create uncertainty about the past. obviously, the only thing we can change is the future. rationality gives us a way to change it (so we think). rationality proclaims, “understand cause-effect relationships and you can control the future!” it is easy to see why rationality is so popular! but, really, we can’t control either: there are infinitely as many causes as effects.

it is interesting to note here some advances made by science (the epitome of rationality) in the last century, started by Einstein’s relativity, contemplated by Heisenberg, and continued through today. that is quantum mechanics. these two words scare most people, but for the wrong reasons. quantum isn’t hard! here is it, in a very small nutshell: electrons (as composers of everything material) do not move in a cause-effect manner. that is why quantum mechanics should scare you, at least for a moment. we live in a rational world, taught to live rational lives, dominated by rational science, and as we reach the very epitome of rationality, we realize it’s all based on possibilities, not actualities.

sorry! there are no contradictions! check your premises if you feel you’ve found one.

begin dealing in a world filled with effects rather than causes and everything will become clearer. but doesn’t an effect always become a cause? of course it does! so then what matters? quite simply, to conclude part one: that there is, that now is thus. fill your world only with thus and things will never again be unclear.

——–

what is part two? up to you. the ideas i just shared with you are very basic ideas, at their core. i read about them about a year ago. since, they have advanced and strengthened and grown. why didn’t i post back then about such a momentous discovery? because it wan’t one, and my story probably hasn’t been that momentous for you either. part two is proving it to yourself. that is momentous. how did i do that? how do you do that?

cause:            .
effect: momentous approval.

need i say more? but i will. it took everything, not one, but all parts. every person i looked at, every hand i held, every kiss, every tear, every word i read, every bit of anger, hate, disgust, joy, intimidation, fear, love: all of it was totally necessary. that said, do not ever be afraid! the path is the end and it is all worth it.

what follows is something i truly hesitate to post: a list of books. the insights gained in them were so great i feel compelled to share it, but do not take it as “required reading” or as “what i recommend”. those statements assume you should agree with me or should wish to follow my path, a misconception which is most tragic. these statements could not be further from the truth. do not take my word for it! [do not take my word for it!]

“ask, and it shall be given you;
seek, and ye shall find;
knock, and it shall be opened unto you
for every one that asketh receiveth;
and he that seeketh findeth;
and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”

— matthew 7: 7-8

Jesus means it, i mean it. my path is my path. your path is your path. believe that. never stop opening doors. if you run across these, check them out. if not, don’t. simple as that:

s(he, saul williams
be here now, ram dass
the word, jesus
bhagavad-gita
lennon revealed, kane
satyagraha, gandhi
living buddha, living christ, hanh
tao te ching, lao tzu
quantum reality, herbert
choosing reality, wallace
way of the peaceful warrior, millman
slaughterhouse-five, vonnegut
a man without a country, vonnegut
atlas shrugged, rand
the perennial philosophy, huxley
, said the shotgun to the head, saul williams

all of these helped me in very special ways, at very key points. by looking at a book’s description you should be able to guess what i gathered from them (ie. philosophy or support or whatever). some on the list may make no sense to you and may never serve you a purpose. while there is no order in the middle of the list, you will notice the first and last are two books by the incomprehensible poet, actor, preformer, prophet, saul stacey williams. i cannot say enough about him and neither will the world be able to, once it realizes the significance of his works. he has been my teacher throughout, and for that i am eternally grateful. i read his collection of poems “s(he” for the first time about two years ago. his poem “, said the shotgun to the head”, i read for the first time, today.

now comes the task of implementing it. it will be a journey just as the last few years have been. i feel it will be much longer and much harder than anything i have ever or ever will know. in light of this, i conclude with some words of encouragement to you and to myself:

[yesterday had clouded the sunset gray and dull
today, the sun climbs every color, orange to blue

love is the first step and the last

once it is in every step on the path,
there is no first step
and there is no last

once you become love on every step of the path,
then you will forever dance with god
and never leave]

i am not yet dancing, i am far from it, as we all are, but i see no greater goal to which i could aspire. once again, please feel free to contact me whenever and however you wish. i leave you with the greatest of blessings, and may your life be filled with love and joy. i part, with creativity:

——–

[look!

amazing, isn’t it?

as i am writing this,
there is a storm outside
it is snowing pure white
beautiful as She

we feel irony at many aspect of our lives
yet, there are no contradictions
it seems then this feeling
misplaced, disoriented, lost
is merely a result of our ignorances

look!

there is a radiant sunshine
it emanates from everything you see, touch, smell, taste, hear,
breathe

the only thing never hidden
is all-encompassing truth
it is there to plainly see, are you

          (ready)?

a bride stands (ready) to wed love
they make her walk down aisles
led by fathers and judgements
led by sacred books and adorned prophets
all to prepare her

a bride stands (ready) to wed love
they shout to her prophecies
they sell her for cheap
committing her to everything worth abandoning
all to prepare her

a bride stands (ready) to wed love
veiled by an eternity of diversions
all in vain, all in pain
such suffering, in the name of
all to prepare her

a bride stands (ready) to wed love
she is now away in a manger
she is that which has come
she is he who will save the world
she is you she is i she is we

a bride stands (ready) to wed love
her veil removed
now one with her glorious partner
no preparations were needed
she has had it since birth:

 

readiness

          (ready)?

tear off your veils!

our clouds of judgement
our categorization, our conceptualization
our good, our bad
where has it brought us?
we mask our desires with
“in god we trust”
a joke so blasphemous
we print it by the trillions
yet, in god,
we find the source of all trust

look!

“lest ye become like little children
ye shall not enter the kingdom of heaven”
so simple so divine so beautiful so

amazing, isn’t it?

look!]